From 22e90676a77f4b4532d9c778378bbc37c6c2d155 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Mike Gerwitz Date: Tue, 30 Jun 2020 23:51:57 -0400 Subject: [PATCH] Writing As a Means to Another End: New post This is a deeply personal one. --- ...06-30-writing-as-a-means-to-another-end.md | 157 ++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 157 insertions(+) create mode 100644 post/2020-06-30-writing-as-a-means-to-another-end.md diff --git a/post/2020-06-30-writing-as-a-means-to-another-end.md b/post/2020-06-30-writing-as-a-means-to-another-end.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..18f076d --- /dev/null +++ b/post/2020-06-30-writing-as-a-means-to-another-end.md @@ -0,0 +1,157 @@ +# Writing As a Means to Another End + +To anyone who's looked at the number of posts I've made in the past few + years on this blog, + it may surprise you to learn that I do a lot of writing. +It's just that the majority if it is never read by anyone other than myself. +When I write---% + as I am now---% + I certainly _intend_ for others to read it. +But that's not usually what happens. + +Writing articles is a means to an end. +But the end isn't always the written word. +Writing is a journey, + and sometimes it leads far from where one may expect. + + + +If I'm going to spend the time writing something, + I want it to be thorough and compelling. +I want facts and references, + and I want them to be good ones. +I don't want to have to go back and correct inaccuracies, + because then I will have lead you astray.[^immutable] +I want concrete evidence to back up each and every claim I make, + so I can prove to you (or maybe it's to myself) that I really do know what + I'm talking about, + without question. + +[^immutable]: In fact, + earlier versions of this blog had posts as commit messages, + making them very difficult to change, + since I didn't want to rewrite history. + +Let's say I'm writing about a topic that I have over a decade of experience + with. +As I formalize my thoughts and describe this particular thing, + I'm forced to rationalize to you---the reader---everything. +And sometimes I find that, + even though I have strong _practical_ knowledge of something, + I may lack sufficient understanding of certain theory or consequences. +So I start digging. +And before I know it, + I've amassed too many [yaks][] to possibly shave within a + lifetime.[^reading-list] + +[yaks]: https://projects.csail.mit.edu/gsb/old-archive/gsb-archive/gsb2000-02-11.html + +[^reading-list]: This is evidenced by my (private) reading list, + which I literally cannot finish within this lifetime at my current pace, + and which grows faster than I can consume it. + +So the solution seems simple: + skip the formality. +Some information is better than none, right? +It'd still help others. + +Ah, but it would make obvious to others that maybe I don't know what I'm + talking about. +What others may see as an informative work, + I see as a laying bare everything I _don't_ know. +Everything I've yet to learn. +And if I have so much to learn, + why am I writing about it? + +That's nonsense, + of course---% + some of the _best_ information I've gotten was from candid articles + written by people who are _still learning_ about the topic at hand. +It's wonderful reading about their thoughts, experiences, and---% + most importantly---% + their _struggles_. +So why don't I do the same? +I know full well that most readers will never notice the inadequacies that + clinch so piercingly my attention. + +I believe my behavior is best represented by something called + [Imposter Syndrome][]. +At risk of getting too deep into this topic and therefore not publishing + this post, + I'm going to keep light on the details and let you do the + research.[^rabbit-hole] +But what essentially happens is paradoxical---% + my quest for knowledge only proves to me how much more I have to learn and + how little I know, + creating this never-ending, unstatisfiable, ravenous feedback loop. +Since writing a good article (in my mind) is predicated on having a certain + foundation, + and having a foundation requires its own foundation, + this recursive process has no end. +This is thrilling, + but the end result is that articles never get finished. +And one day when I return to find them, + months or years later, + I've discovered so much that the only proper way to finish them is to + start all over again. +And so the cycle continues. +I am, + and never will be, + good enough for you, + dear reader. + +[Imposter Syndrome]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome + +[^rabbit-hole]: And yet, + just in providing that single Wikipedia link, + I jumped down that familiar rabbit hole and had to pull myself out. + "Should I publish an article claiming Imposter Syndrome unless I can + articulate fully and fluently all relevant details?" + +This problem doesn't just manifest with my writing---% + it happens with my [free software][] projects too. +They all die for the same reason, + or barely get off of the ground to begin with. + +[free software]: https://www.gnu.org/philosophy/free-sw.en.html + +I said that writing is a journey. +As it turns out, + it's mostly a selfish one, + at least for me. +Because the end result isn't often an article suitable for publication; + it's a wonderful and deeply personal collection of experiences. +I have learned so much through this process of unattainable self-betterment. +I have met so many good people. +And, in retrospect, I have bested the best I thought I could be. +Yet, + despite the evidence all around me that I am in fact a competent person, + I can't bring myself to sincerely _believe_ it. +Despite my _own admission_ of besting the best I thought I could be, + I can't finish typing this paragraph without wanting to delete that + sentence. + +So now, + having observed this over the years, + I exploit it to my benefit---% + sometimes I write simply for the sake of starting that journey, + knowing that it'll lead me somewhere magnificent. +And one day, + if I can bring myself to actually bring these articles to publication, + I'll take you on that journey with me, + and hopefully I'll be able to share even a fraction of that magnificence + with you.[^epilogue] + +[^epilogue]: Clearly I finished this article. + In a sitting, + just as I expected to. + And the reason for this is important, + I think: + this article is a manifestation of my inner feelings. + I'm not trying to convince you of anything. + I'm simply speaking from the heart, + and there's little getting in the way of that. + The _goal_ of this piece is to emphasize my shortcomings. + That's easy---% + those come cheap. + Maybe that's something I can exploit more often too.