158 lines
5.9 KiB
Markdown
158 lines
5.9 KiB
Markdown
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# Writing As a Means to Another End
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To anyone who's looked at the number of posts I've made in the past few
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years on this blog,
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it may surprise you to learn that I do a lot of writing.
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It's just that the majority if it is never read by anyone other than myself.
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When I write---%
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as I am now---%
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I certainly _intend_ for others to read it.
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But that's not usually what happens.
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Writing articles is a means to an end.
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But the end isn't always the written word.
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Writing is a journey,
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and sometimes it leads far from where one may expect.
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If I'm going to spend the time writing something,
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I want it to be thorough and compelling.
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I want facts and references,
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and I want them to be good ones.
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I don't want to have to go back and correct inaccuracies,
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because then I will have lead you astray.[^immutable]
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I want concrete evidence to back up each and every claim I make,
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so I can prove to you (or maybe it's to myself) that I really do know what
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I'm talking about,
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without question.
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[^immutable]: In fact,
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earlier versions of this blog had posts as commit messages,
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making them very difficult to change,
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since I didn't want to rewrite history.
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Let's say I'm writing about a topic that I have over a decade of experience
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with.
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As I formalize my thoughts and describe this particular thing,
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I'm forced to rationalize to you---the reader---everything.
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And sometimes I find that,
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even though I have strong _practical_ knowledge of something,
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I may lack sufficient understanding of certain theory or consequences.
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So I start digging.
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And before I know it,
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I've amassed too many [yaks][] to possibly shave within a
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lifetime.[^reading-list]
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[yaks]: https://projects.csail.mit.edu/gsb/old-archive/gsb-archive/gsb2000-02-11.html
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[^reading-list]: This is evidenced by my (private) reading list,
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which I literally cannot finish within this lifetime at my current pace,
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and which grows faster than I can consume it.
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So the solution seems simple:
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skip the formality.
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Some information is better than none, right?
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It'd still help others.
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Ah, but it would make obvious to others that maybe I don't know what I'm
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talking about.
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What others may see as an informative work,
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I see as a laying bare everything I _don't_ know.
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Everything I've yet to learn.
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And if I have so much to learn,
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why am I writing about it?
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That's nonsense,
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of course---%
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some of the _best_ information I've gotten was from candid articles
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written by people who are _still learning_ about the topic at hand.
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It's wonderful reading about their thoughts, experiences, and---%
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most importantly---%
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their _struggles_.
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So why don't I do the same?
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I know full well that most readers will never notice the inadequacies that
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clinch so piercingly my attention.
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I believe my behavior is best represented by something called
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[Imposter Syndrome][].
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At risk of getting too deep into this topic and therefore not publishing
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this post,
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I'm going to keep light on the details and let you do the
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research.[^rabbit-hole]
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But what essentially happens is paradoxical---%
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my quest for knowledge only proves to me how much more I have to learn and
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how little I know,
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creating this never-ending, unstatisfiable, ravenous feedback loop.
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Since writing a good article (in my mind) is predicated on having a certain
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foundation,
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and having a foundation requires its own foundation,
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this recursive process has no end.
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This is thrilling,
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but the end result is that articles never get finished.
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And one day when I return to find them,
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months or years later,
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I've discovered so much that the only proper way to finish them is to
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start all over again.
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And so the cycle continues.
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I am,
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and never will be,
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good enough for you,
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dear reader.
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[Imposter Syndrome]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome
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[^rabbit-hole]: And yet,
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just in providing that single Wikipedia link,
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I jumped down that familiar rabbit hole and had to pull myself out.
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"Should I publish an article claiming Imposter Syndrome unless I can
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articulate fully and fluently all relevant details?"
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This problem doesn't just manifest with my writing---%
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it happens with my [free software][] projects too.
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They all die for the same reason,
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or barely get off of the ground to begin with.
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[free software]: https://www.gnu.org/philosophy/free-sw.en.html
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I said that writing is a journey.
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As it turns out,
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it's mostly a selfish one,
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at least for me.
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Because the end result isn't often an article suitable for publication;
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it's a wonderful and deeply personal collection of experiences.
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I have learned so much through this process of unattainable self-betterment.
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I have met so many good people.
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And, in retrospect, I have bested the best I thought I could be.
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Yet,
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despite the evidence all around me that I am in fact a competent person,
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I can't bring myself to sincerely _believe_ it.
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Despite my _own admission_ of besting the best I thought I could be,
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I can't finish typing this paragraph without wanting to delete that
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sentence.
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So now,
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having observed this over the years,
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I exploit it to my benefit---%
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sometimes I write simply for the sake of starting that journey,
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knowing that it'll lead me somewhere magnificent.
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And one day,
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if I can bring myself to actually bring these articles to publication,
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I'll take you on that journey with me,
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and hopefully I'll be able to share even a fraction of that magnificence
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with you.[^epilogue]
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[^epilogue]: Clearly I finished this article.
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In a sitting,
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just as I expected to.
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And the reason for this is important,
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I think:
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this article is a manifestation of my inner feelings.
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I'm not trying to convince you of anything.
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I'm simply speaking from the heart,
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and there's little getting in the way of that.
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The _goal_ of this piece is to emphasize my shortcomings.
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That's easy---%
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those come cheap.
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Maybe that's something I can exploit more often too.
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